Nothing much

1901
Woke up at around 8 this morning to switch bedrooms. After my nap, I took a bath (again) to get rid of my itches. I finished reading my pocketbook, napped again, watched TV, then checked my mail. I found that my boss had several requirements and I downloaded them. I called the office three times. The first time I told her where to find the files she needed from my computer, and the other two times to discuss how I should revise the presentations I just downloaded. She said she needed them urgently and she agreed to let me wear jogging pants in the office if I’d come in tomorrow. I told Mydee about it and she was disgusted with the arrangement on my behalf. I also told him about it and he said he’s volunteering to put the ointment on me. I said it was okay with me since I had nothing to hide from him anymore, except that I didn’t think he’d be allowed near me. I tried to do the presentation after that but I lack the info to complete it.
Christine is upset today because she’s been accused of using company time and resources for studying. I’m waiting for her to call.

2145
Nothing much. Just had dinner and got ready for bed. Read a little Barbara Cartland. Texted Allan. Hoped he would call.

Lapse

834
I totally forgot to tell Sir Nok that I’ll be on leave for the week. I slept in Mama’s room and left my phone in my room so I didn’t hear any calls or texts. I hope they didn’t wait too long for me. I texted to apologize as soon as I woke up.
I was itching so I got up to put on some cream. The problem is I couldn’t reach the Christmas tree at my back so I had to wait for Mama to finish her bath.
I also talked to Beth on the phone and we updated each other. It’s really funny how you connect with people you spent only a few moments with in your entire life. Even more amazing is that you keep the bond even after years and across the miles.

2009
I had lunch, slept, and slept some more. I feel so lethargic but there’s not much to do. I finally roused myself at 3PM, took another bath, and booted my laptop. I updated my blogs, checked my mail (found that my boss approved my sick leave application) and gave in to my weakness.
Yes, I called him. We updated each other and I told him about my Christmas tree rash and he said he was sorry he couldn’t see it anymore. You know what? I felt better after talking to him.

2126
Got ready for bed after watching a little TV. I had my sister put ointment on me again. We already finished one tube and I had to buy a new one. Sigh. Will probably read myself to sleep in Mama’s room again.

Christmas Virus

2051
Woke up at 5am and my skin irritation is burning. I texted Sir Nok at 6 and told him I’ll be on leave. Mama made a 10am appointment for me at Rite-Aid while she set a 10am appointment for herself at Evangelista. I texted my sis to allow her maid to accompany Mama for her check-up while I went on alone to Rite-Aid.
Mydee called and I filled her in while I waited for my turn at the clinic. Turns out I had Christmas virus. It’s not contagious but is known for rashes resembling a Christmas tree. I was given ointment and antihistamines and was advised to let the virus run its course of 3 weeks. I put some on as soon as I got home and drugged myself to sleep with Claritin. I was told it would have to get worse before it gets better and it would turn black when the virus is finished with me. But I would have to wait for a month before I could have the black scars treated or bleached.
When I woke up from my nap, I updated my blogs, checked my mails, answered texts and phone calls. Louie called after dinner (after 3 failed attempts) and I filled him in on what’s been happening and he mentioned that his cousin Dennis got married last Saturday (the day I got my heart broken, btw).
I got ready for bed after that (showered with Dove, put on ointment and loose nightclothes) and crawled in after Mama. My dad is on his way to Samar tonight. I pray for his safety.

Goddaughters

1527
I fell asleep crying last night. When I woke up, tears continued to flow. The pain remains like a lump in my chest. I don’t feel anything else.
I booted up my computer, updated my blogs and checked my mails. And I was still crying the whole time.
It’s funny that I received inspirational texts from Alvin and Allan, two of the least likely people who’d send me wholesome texts (they usually send green and funny messages), it’s as if they know what I needed.
I went to the 9am mass, marveled that it was Epiphany already, and resolved to go to Greenbelt on Saturday and have my confession (seven months late already). It’s the best thing that could result from this heartbreak. After mass, we stopped over at Caehl’s where the family is getting ready to take Tita Panch home but it seemed like the car is filled with Caehl’s stuff instead.
We had breakfast at home and then I cried myself to sleep again. I just woke up, missing another meal.

2353
My goddaughters came by today. Alex’s Tashi and Nicci came by to visit and they were so cute. They could’ve been mine, you know.
Then after dinner, Loi, Omar and Lucille came by, ostensibly to have dessert at our place but since Lucille wanted an Oreo cheesecake, we drove over to Starbucks at Caltex where I updated Loi regarding my “allergies” and she told me of her adventures as a housewife.
I brought home éclairs and coffee for Meg and Piya. We had the snacks while watching Ice Age.

Break-up

1826
Woke up at 4am to get ready for our scheduled audit at 7am. I wasn’t feeling great since I missed my honey’s text last night and missed the chance to talk to him. I arrived at the bus station at 6am, barely awake, and Kuya Seb arrived soon after. During the ride to Manila, he regaled me with stories regarding the previous week’s audit. We missed the Pasay Road bus stop because the stupid conductor forgot that we were getting off there. We got off at Ayala and trekked back to Petron where we met Toby. We drove then to Requesens where we did an inventory and cash count. They introduced me to the manager and supervisor there, whom Kuya Seb told to keep an eye on me when he left.
I worked for a while on the sales summaries while texting my sister (re an envisioned ATC stroll with Caehl) and friends (re a trip to Divisoria). But not being able to get him out of my mind, I sent a missed call to my honey and he answered that he was in a taxi going to Makati Med. I asked him to text me when he reaches the office because I really wanted to talk to him. He promised he would and I left it at that and resumed what I was doing. Unfortunately the laptop battery died and the documents I wanted to see were at Luneta so Toby offered to give me a lift to the other station where I could work until it was time to do the second audit at 3PM. I worked there for a while until my honey texted me that he was at his post already. I called him then.

He asked me what’s up and I said I just wanted to know how his errands went. He replied that everything went well and that he was quite productive that day. He then asked me where I was and I told him I was at Luneta. He chuckled and asked me who my date was and I jokingly replied that there were a lot of jeepney drivers and gasoline boys around who were interested. And then he repeated his question, asking what was bothering me and I told him that that was exactly what I wanted to ask him. That I wanted to have a talk with him since last night, but it had been a happy day for me and I didn’t want to spoil our date. I said that ever since he got back, he seemed different, pensive, and I could feel that there’s something wrong. He said that there’s nothing wrong. I told him that relationship aside, I was Lea, his friend, and I asked if there’s something he’s not telling me or if there’s something I can help him with. He said that his only problem was me. I was surprised and asked how I became his problem. He said that last Christmas, he had the chance to think over some things, including our relationship. And then he said that our relationship couldn’t last anyway. I got afraid at this point but merely said that I knew that coming in. He said that he’d be really busy at work and that his family’s coming back and that he wouldn’t have time for me. I asked him if he still loved me and he said yes. I said that if he didn’t love me, I agree that there’s no point in continuing our relationship, but if he still loved me then I really don’t mind. He said that it would be unfair for me, his wife, and his baby. I started crying then but I said I understood, and asked if we should start it already. He said that he didn’t want to just yet and asked my opinion. I told him that if it were up to me it would never start so he has to be the one to tell me. And he said yes, we should start now. I died a little then and there but I said okay and thanked him for everything. He said that he’ll miss me and I thanked him again. He told me not to cry and I told him it’s too late because I was weeping already. He asked me if I would still speak to him after that and I said I’ll try. I told him that we were friends before we became lovers, and I’m sure that the friendship will remain but he has to give me time because it’s going to be hard for me. He said that it’ll be hard for him also but I told him that at least he’s not going to be alone while I felt lonely already. He asked me to promise him that if someone else would take his place in my life, it should be someone unmarried. He said that if it’s still someone married, it would be the same, it also wouldn’t last and that it might as well be him. And I said I promised. He made me repeat it to make sure I knew what I was promising. He asked me who might date was next week and I told him it was Christine although I reminded him that it shouldn’t matter anymore. He agreed and he said that he was just asking. I told him that I’ve been having dinner with Christine more often lately because I already got the feeling that things will end between us. I even told him about my conversation with Migs that if he would refer a boyfriend for me, I’d rather that he’s not an engineer because they tend to leave me. I said goodbye and for the last time, I loved him. He said the same and assured me that it was not contrived, in case I thought it was, that it was true. He said he loved me that’s why he’s letting me go.
“Thank you for everything. It was great. You made me very happy. And for the last time, I love you, honey.”

I wept a lot after that conversation despite the columns of figures I was footing and when Glenda came in to discuss the audit with me, I complained of allergies and pretended to cough to explain away my eyes and nose. I continued to audit at Luneta until 2pm, although once in a while I would shed a tear. Bong took me to Requesens via taxi and I continued my audit there. Ramil commented that I had a pretty smile and he liked girls with pretty smiles. He was very gallant (he even paid for my taxi fare to Lawton). Can men recognize an “available” woman? I just broke up with my boyfriend a few hours ago and men seemed to be crawling out of the woodworks. Not that I’m interested. It took me like five years to get over Angel and it didn’t hurt as much as it does now. I was even weeping silently on the bus ride home.
When I got home I received Christine’s text and I asked if I can call her. She said okay and I cried my heart out to her for an hour. Girl friends really are treasures when the going gets tough.

2327
My heart aches.

Fishy Dinner

605
Didn’t sleep well. I was thinking about buying the pillows and toys my honey’s baby needs to get better… and of trying to move on. You know what? I can’t even write the words down. It hurts too much.

2347
Had my work mapped out for the day and I was methodically going through them when Mig interrupted with a phone call to tell me that the Strama grades are out already. I checked the site and got a 3.5 which keeps me on the DL. I was so happy I called my honey and gave him my news. He congratulated me and I asked if he wanted to celebrate with me. He said he needed to go to Valero in the afternoon and so lunch is out but he’ll check if he’s free for dinner.
I decided to wait for him and we went to Shangrila to eat dinner at Fish. We wandered around for a while and he commented that a lot of people were looking at me, then quipped that they must think I’m lucky because I was with him. I told him I would not be so cruel as to disabuse him of the fantasy.
Dinner was okay. I had porkchops and he had salmon and we shared a jungle something to drink. His wife and baby called while I was paying the bill and I was trying so hard not to hear anything because it might show on my face. I’ve always been contented with the way my life has gone but at that moment I don’t think I’ve ever envied anyone so much as his wife for the right to claim his attention at any given time and for his children she has the right to bear.
I also found out during dinner that Andrew hated me because of what happened between him and his girlfriend. I was kidding with Andrew earlier and my honey was surprised that Andrew talked to me at all. Sheesh, and I don’t even really know the guy.
When we were leaving, we bumped into Monette, Betty and their friends (our officemates) and we were both so surprised we didn’t know what to do. We just carried on like everything’s normal but we weren’t really thinking straight. I told him that I’ll just tell them I treated him out because I owed him for my Strama paper and he agreed with that alibi. I was able to give him a peck on the lips before I boarded the bus but that was it.
I got home at 11 and texted my honey but I never got a reply. Allan said good night though, and Lily called to say that Trish and Henry are getting married on the 29th and that we were invited to the wedding somewhere in Quezon City.

Aborted Leave

851
Valiantly trying to hold my pen despite my blinding headache. I really feel queasy, Ihad to take a leave. Remains to be seen if it’s a half day or not.
Allan called earlier and we spent a merry half hour bantering on the phone. He extolled the virtues of Exodus (not the story but the special effects – probably due to ill-gotten funds from the Senate) while I related my holiday grouchiness. He called me the Grinch. Funny I didn’t feel sick while we were chatting but instantly felt dizzy when I hung up.
I’ve been trying to call my honey but still no answer. I hope he’s okay. I hope we’re okay.

1813
Len called this morning to remind me that Cora was on leave and that I had to come in. I was so dizzy during the ride to the office I felt like throwing up. It didn’t help that when I texted my honey, he told me he’d be in the Valero office until tomorrow. I was texting Christine the whole day about my heartaches and included my fears that my honey is losing interest in me. Sigh.
Workwise, I was able to keep everything up to date although I have a lot of new deliverables to Len in the following weeks. I lost my migraine sometime in the afternoon and I was able to keep some coffee down. I even won a ham for my Pay on the Go participation, the reason why I opted to join the carpool instead of waiting for my honey. The car ride was funny though, we talked about the Globe “scandals”.
When I got home, I had the itch to visit Caehl. Meg and I dropped by in the pretense of buying Coke but I really wanted to cuddle my nephew. Call it low EQ but it was worthwhile because he was laughing a lot at whatever inanity Tita was saying.
Now I’m waiting for my honey to call. Gosh, his family will be back this weekend and we didn’t even have one single date! Sigh.

2251
He did call and I hope I’m just imagining his disinterest in the previous entries but I’m disappointed when he didn’t say he loved me even when I prompted him to. He did say he missed me but I think it was somewhat contrived. He says he has to buy stuff for his family tonight and that he has to do the laundry tomorrow night (get the hint, Lea, he’s not interested in a date!) and that his family’s arriving on Saturday (thank goodness I’ve got audit on Saturday to keep me busy).
I checked my mail and updated my blogs. After dinner I continued with my audit while texting Christine and Alvin. Then I played Sirius Black on Sims again and managed to get him promoted at work and in love with Bella. Now I’m off to bed. I hope tomorrow brings better things.

Lukewarm Lunchdate

742
After giving Allan my landline number last night, I went on the Internet to avoid his call. Little did I know that he was going to call early this morning at 6, before he left the office. I wonder if Marlowe would take offense if I told him? If he only knew how “safe” he is.
I was also texting Elson last night. He asked when I’m planning to schedule my OCE so he could include it in his prayers. I told him I’m not sure yet and he just said that I make sure to tell him. I asked if I could still text him while he’s, you know, discerning. And he said I still could. So there.
Uploaded Bettina’s blog and updated some others as soon as I got in the office.. I wonder if Mydee’ll be around today.

1128
Rebooting my computer (although I wish I meant I was kicking it). As I said to Cora: It’s hard enough to force yourself to work and IT makes it even harder. Ah well. I’m looking forward to lunch. I called my honey earlier and asked him out (although I wish he was the one who thought of it). I haven’t decided yet where I’ll take him to lunch (although I have him in mind for MY lunch, harhar).
Chalk it to my migraine and backpains. I hate dysmenorrhea.

1825
We had lunch at Diorama. Well, he had lunch, I had dessert (I was feeling quite queasy when my period started its heavy phase so I didn’t feel like eating).
Again, the lunchdate wasn’t as I hoped. No cuddles during the ride, no kisses in the stairwell (so much for that particular dream), and the greetings are somewhat lukewarm. He told me about his stay in Cotabato hometown. He says he’s busy now that he got back in the office. I’m trying to understand (that is, trying not to nag).
Christine also called to complain of her migraine. She’s still doing her strama paper revision and feeling stressed, poor girl. She did have a good idea I might get involved in: gym.

2014
I just checked my mails, updated my blogs, had dinner, did my chores, and got ready for bed. I feel like throwing up. I tried to call Marlowe before turning in, but he’s not at his post.

Dreams vs Reality

501
Dreamt of my honey and stealing kisses in the stairwell. I wish I’d realized it was just a dream though, so I could have done much more. Harhar. Good morning.

2023
At home now, contemplating whether I’d continue with my audit or check my mail first. But since Allan might call…
Mydee wasn’t able to come to work today since she hasn’t found a nanny for Ulrich yet. I didn’t have breakfast then since I don’t want to be lonely eater. I was trying to find out whether my honey arrived or not so we could have lunch together. He called before lunch but he didn’t seem eager to get together so I opted to eat alone at my desk (so much for not wanting to be a lonely eater :P ah well). I called him twice after lunch (sorry, but I really missed the guy) and both times there didn’t seem to be any “spark” in the conversation so I ended them pretty quickly.
I thought we’d go home together but he had to wait for an officemate so I went on alone. We were texting though, but he wasn’t as sweet as I thought he might be if he missed me (as much as I missed him) so I was quite indifferent also (or at least in my texts I was).
Erick was kidding me about having my boyfriend back in Manila and that I get “hot” easily. If he only knew how right on target he was! Haha.
All in all, I must say it wasn’t the homecoming I envisioned. I didn’t really want to face it but I felt it a long time ago anyway. I must be ready any time now. I only wish I had someone so it doesn’t feel as lonely as the last time, five years ago.

2242
Checked my mail, updated my blogs, pencil-pushed for a while, played Sirius Black in Sims, and started a new story. It feels awkward but it feels like coming home, this starting a new story. I’m thinking of uploading it as a blog and see what happens. I don’t have a clear storyline yet though. I just want to get to know Bettina first.

Back to the grind

659
Currently booting my computer. I’ll check my mail in a while. No dreams tonight, just disjointed scenes from Narnia. Unlike the other night when I dreamt I was STILL married to Angel. Imagine that, when he and I didn’t tie the knot at all, and my dream was about us having forgotten to annul it. Weird. Does this mean I’m still in love with the guy? My honey NOW is constantly in my thoughts but my subconscious says otherwise.
1913
A busy but relatively quiet day. I’m at home and back in my room now, trying to relax. I spent the day doing my reports while evaluating new arrivals for the day. I didn’t even realize it was lunchtime until Mydee came along. We went to Tower 3 to check out the furniture she was planning to buy for her new home, bought some bottles for Ulrich since she melted the old ones accidentally (she says they’re called Baby Ron in the visayan dialect), and had lunch at Shakeys. I saw Allan there but he seemed to be in serious conversation with his lunchmate so I didn’t greet him or anything. After lunch we did a little video for Ms. Issa’s 50th birthday. Of course, yours truly had to be the one to speak in front and when I saw the clip, I saw how fat I was, never mind that I was wearing black. Aargh! After that, it was back to reports and evaluations (peppered with a little risqué talk with Erick over the phone) until it was five and I had to clear out one of my boys’ workstations for Clydell, Jo’s new teammate, as promised. There’s no car pool today so I had to commute home after everything. I was too keyed up to sleep in the bus though, so I spent the time thinking about my honey. I wonder when he’d get back to Manila.
2235
Checked my mail and updated my blogs after dinner, then did a little audit. Then read one episode of the Dreaming for good measure. Good night!